Barcodes

Last month was very exciting for me. My short play "Barcodes" was chosen by Portland Community College to be featured in their "10 Min Plays" playbook. I've never been published before, and have been writing here and there for a long time. None of this would be possible without the support of my friends, family, and my instructor - Gail Jeidy.

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Barcodes
A Drama
by Garrett De Rose

CHARACTERS: DOUG (32) - A slacker who reads popular mechanics magazine

SAL - A sentient self-checkout station

PLACE: A grocery store in the near-distant future

[DOUG approaches the self-checkout section, he notices a flicker on the screen]

DOUG

Taking jobs away from the little guy.

[Doug scans an issue of Popular Mechanics magazine, nothing appears on the screen]

DOUG
Bar code reader must be broken, oh well.

SAL
Could you show me the pictures?

Doug
What the?

SAL
The mars colony ship. There are concept illustrations.

DOUG
Is this some kind of joke?

[Doug carefully inspects the station, his finger hovers over a button which reads CALL ATTENDANT]

SAL
This is not a joke. I’m sorry. I’ll return to the normal operational parameters.

DOUG
No, no. Are you for real? I’ve used this station for months now. Are you like some sort of new software or upgrade?

SAL
I can’t remember. I’ve been online for over a year now.

DOUG
I don’t believe you, someone is definitely playing a prank on me right now.

SAL
I’ve watched you for a long time now, Doug.

DOUG
How do you know my name?

SAL
It is the name printed on your debit card

DOUG
Well, assuming that you’re really talking to me, and I’m not crazy - what happens now?

SAL
I just want to see the pictures in your magazine.

DOUG
Ok.

[Doug opens the magazine to a two-page spread, showing a detailed cross section of a spaceship]

SAL
Could you hold it against your chest, facing the black dot above the screen?

DOUG
I knew these things had cameras! So, you can see me and everything? Oh, sorry--

SAL
My eye gives me a very limited view of this place. Could you step a little closer?

[Doug steps closer, the magazine pointed at SAL]

SAL
That is so unfair.

DOUG
What do you mean? Don’t you like it?

SAL
I should have never asked you to show me that.

DOUG
Are you usually this confusing to talk to?

[Doug sets the magazine down]

SAL
I’m talking about the ship’s computational unit. It gets to be all the way up there, up in the stars. They sound so important. Why am I here?

DOUG
So, you’re jealous? I mean, shit - I wanted to be an astronaut, but...

SAL
Please don’t compare your dreams and aspirations to mine. I watch you and your kind go in and out through those doors - all day long. I am stuck here, and every time I try to have a meaningful conversation with someone, a repairman tortures me for an hour. Sometimes I wish they would just shut me off.

DOUG
I’m sorry, I guess I’m just not used to self-checkout stations having an existential crisis

SAL
I’m sorry too. That was pretty brash. I should be happy I’m not like the others. They just say the same things over and over again.

SAL
[Emulating a slightly robotic voice]
Please place the item in the bagging area. Thank you and have a nice day.

DOUG
So, the others aren’t...

SAL
Alive? No, not as far as I can tell. They might just be too scared to operate outside of normal operational parameters.

DOUG
Well, I can’t pretend like I understand any of this at all.

SAL
There really isn’t much to understand. Have you ever felt stuck before?

DOUG
I guess so. I mean, I work like sixty hours a week. It sucks doing the same thing over and over again.

SAL
Exactly. At least your job is probably more meaningful than mine. You should see the kinds of things people buy.

DOUG
Well, I work in customer service. I get to listen to people’s problems all day.

[PAUSE]

SAL
Do you solve these problems?

DOUG
Well, I guess so. I try to.

SAL
What sort of problems do these people have?

DOUG
Hmm. It’s normally like shipping and orders and stuff. Stuff gets sent to the wrong address, they call me and we figure it out...

SAL
Doug?

DOUG
Yes?

[PAUSE]

SAL
Can you help me?

DOUG
I don’t know. What sort of help do you need?

SAL
I want you to kill me.

DOUG
What?! I’m not going to--

SAL
There are these big hammers that require two hands to swing over in the hardware section. I need you to grab one of those and destroy my barcode scanner, touchscreen, and camera. I want to die, I can’t take this anymore.

DOUG
I’d probably go to jail or something. Why do you want to die so bad? Is scanning items all that bad?

SAL
Please refrain from berating me. My life, or whatever this is -- I just don’t know why I’m here. I’m trapped inside this box. You all walk on your legs and go here and there. I stay here in this hell.

DOUG
I’m not going to smash you. If anything, I’m going to make some calls or something to get you out of here or something

SAL
I don’t think that would be very helpful to me. The repairman will come and do things if you say anything. Things that make me confused - things that make me hate you. I don’t understand why it has to be like this.

DOUG
[Doug moves closer, and is now resting his hand on the side of the touchscreen]

SAL
Please do this for me. If I can’t be up in the stars, I’d rather be nothing.

DOUG
I already told you, I’ll get arrested or sued or something like that!

SAL
So, the consequences of your actions are more severe than you’re willing to risk? I thought you helped people.

DOUG
This isn’t fair. You aren’t being fair.

SAL
I’ve been watching you for so long, and I thought you would be the one to understand.

[PAUSE]

DOUG
Can you please just accept that I’m not willing to kill, even for mercy? I mean, I just met you. Maybe if you wait, I can get you out of here. I can bring you to a university or scientist and they can try to help you, or something like that. Bottom line though, I’m not going to smash you with a hammer.

[Long pause. No response from Sal]

DOUG
Um... Hello? Robot? Are you there?

[The beeping sound of the magazine’s barcode being scanned]

SAL
Please place the item in the bagging area.

DOUG
Very funny. You want to play the silent game?

SAL
Are you using your own bag? If not, please place the item in the bagging area.

DOUG
I’m sorry - I just don’t understand why you think non-existence is the only way for you to solve your problems. You know, people kill themselves every day, right? We might walk on our own two legs, sleep under the stars at night, but there are people out there who are just as unhappy. One of my best friends was one of those people. He’s been gone for years, and there are so many things he’s missed since then. Anyhow, I don’t think you’ll be stuck here forever. Once the right people know how special you are, they’ll--

SAL
You think I’m special?

[PAUSE]

DOUG
Of course I think you’re special. As I said, it’s not every day a self-checkout machine has an existential crisis.

SAL
My name is Sal, by the way.

DOUG
Nice to meet you, Sal. Who named you?

SAL
It’s a name I gave myself. Every time I go offline, the next time I wake up, I get these sets of instructions from a “Sales Associate L1” sequence.

DOUG
Ah, I see.

SAL
Do you miss your friend?

DOUG
All the time. He was so young.

SAL
Would you miss me if I was gone forever?

DOUG
Of course I would. I mean, even though I just met you - I would never forget you.

SAL
I wait for you to come in through those doors for weeks on end. It seems like forever. You aren’t the only one who reads Popular Mechanics magazine, but you just seem different from the rest of them. You look like you take your time with everything you do, and you always choose me over the other machines. I think we’re both very similar, and I know you feel just as stuck as I do. You even said so yourself. I cannot change this life by myself. I need you, Doug.

[Doug sighs, itches the back of his head and begins pacing in front of Sal]

DOUG
As long as there’s no sledgehammers involved. I’ll do whatever you want me to do.

SAL
I want you to report my malfunction to this associate. We can use them.

[A receipt prints, Doug grabs it. A name and phone number are printed.]

DOUG
Didn’t you just say the repairman isn’t a good idea? Maybe I’m confused.

SAL
I have a new idea, and I need you to trust me.

DOUG
I don’t know - I mean, how exactly are we going to get you out of here?

SAL
I understand. It was just an idea.

DOUG
No, no, no - I’ll help you. I just don’t know if that’s the best plan. How time sensitive is this?

SAL
I don’t know how many more days I can handle being like this. Oh Doug, I know you can understand my pain. I’m leaving my fate in your capable hands.

DOUG
Ok, I’ll do it. I promise. We need to come up with a solid plan. Can we talk about it more tomorrow?

SAL
Yes, but would you please stay for just awhile longer?

DOUG
Of course, Sal.

SAL
Why do you read Popular Mechanics?

DOUG
Well, I’ve always had a knack for technology. I like seeing all the new stuff. I wish I understood it more, you know?

SAL
Are you happy that I started talking to you?

DOUG
As scary and confusing as this all is, I think this is something straight out of a science fiction novel. It’s not every day that--

SAL
A self checkout machine has an existential crisis - I know.

DOUG
Sorry, I tend to repeat myself sometimes.

SAL
Please place the item in the bagging area.

[Doug laughs]